To Break or Not to Break?

That is the question.

I haven’t written on here for a little over two weeks, and I’m sorry to those who look forward to my posts or follow my page. I feel like I’ve let you down.

But I’m sure you can understand, especially if you’re a mom, that life happens.

And I’m also sure there are many other mom bloggers who can still find time to sit down and write a post a week or keep up with socially, but I apparently am not one of them, especially when it comes to hard times in the real world.

Now, I’m not one to air out my dirty laundry, so I won’t get into too much detail, but life has been extremely rough for us.

Who knew switching from full time working mom to stay at home mom on one income would be so devastating? I had it in my mind that it would be rough, but I didn’t think it would be that rough, to the point where we have to sometimes choose between rent money and food money.

To say that I’ve learned to get creative with our meals is an understatement.

But it’s worth the sacrifice. I get to be at home raising my daughter and taking care of my household. And I will find a way to keep making it work.

But if you want to know the honest and raw truth of it, I am exhausted.

I thought working full time and being a mom was hard but actually staying at home is even harder.

People don’t give stay at home moms enough credit! I mean the amount of work you have to do to continuously keep everything going and functioning properly is insane!

And the even crazier part is…us stay at home moms don’t get a break. Yep. No breaks after 5 hours. You are on the clock 24/7, catering to every need that everyone in your household needs. Me time? Yeah right… gone, out the window!

Time for a shower? Maybe if you’re lucky enough to squeeze in 5 minutes here or there?

And you can forget about going to the bathroom alone.

I don’t know if it gets easier as the children get older but right now, its pretty much chaos.

But I’m not complaining. I love my baby girl. I will continue to do whatever it takes to keep her thriving and well.

The hard part in truth about this whole situation is pretty much everything else on my plate. I can handle a baby. But I can’t handle everything else life is throwing at me right now. Or it’s not that I can’t, it’s just tough…

I’ve been trying my best to keep up with social media so that I can stay “relevant” enough in the algorithms so that my following can grow and my business can grow with it.

But honestly it’s a huge commitment! You have to be on your game, coming up with interesting posts, posting at the right times, wording things the right way.

And if you’re not doing that, your stuff gets lost in cyberspace. Yep.

I tried the MLM (multi-level-marketing or direct sales) thing. And that again was too much on me and my wallet. I get the idea of it, but honestly, if you’re not a 100% believer in your product, you’re not going to sell much.

I tried my clothing business. And let me tell you, I LOVE designing graphics for different clothing items, but it’s not selling. I don’t know why that is and I’m not going to be a sore loser about it but what can you do? I’ll keep trying to make cool things but it’s obviously not my ticket to making enough to pay our bills.

I get it. People are just as broke. Everybody is selling something. What makes my product any better or different? I’m not sure. I put my heart and soul into it and it’s up to the other person to recognize it. If people like it, then beautiful, if not, that’s ok too.

Anyway, I’m rambling. The point is….

I’m struggling. And maybe it’s time for a break. Just shut down. Reevaluate. Hit refresh. I don’t know.

I can’t keep up and if I try to… I’m going to burn out.

I hate to do this. I really do. And maybe I’ll find the energy some days to pop back on, but I guess consistency was never my strong suit.

At least during tough times.

I need to take care of my family. I need to figure out my marriage. I need to make things better.

And if it mean sacrificing social media for a little while longer then so be it.

Xx

Mama with Grace

Ps. Don’t hate me! xxxxx

Off Days & Honesty.

I should be doing a million things right now, but I’m not. There’s dishes that need to be done. Clothes that need to be put away. I need a shower. A change of clothes. And brushing my teeth would probably be beneficial.

I managed to eat lunch today. Yay! Five points!

But what I’m doing instead is just sitting here holding my little girl while she sleeps. Yes, I am stuck on the couch for the next hour or two but right now, I don’t really care.

This is what I need right now. To be doing nothing of importance and everything of importance, just spending time in the middle of the afternoon, because in two weeks, this will be over.

In two weeks, I return back to work. And honestly, I am far from happy about it.

To be even more honest, because well, that’s what this post is pretty much about, I’ve been kind of sinking back in to depression.

And it’s been really, really hard to get out of it.

I was doing really well. I was excited because I had my new business opportunity to focus on and I was doing my best to get that going.

But then post after post of no feedback or interaction from anyone, and you tend to get a bit discouraged. You start to realize that you’re pretty much invisible to all your “friends” on Facebook and nobody really cares because they are so busy with their own lives to be interested in what you’re doing.

I know it takes time though, so you can save the pep talk. I’ll still give it a go but I think right now I just need to slow down for my own mental health.

I just can’t get in the business kind of mindset of being positive and promoting products when I, myself, am not feeling right.

Sometimes we need a reset to get back on track.

And sometimes that reset requires spilling out to someone or something even if it doesn’t sound so pretty or put together, just so we can find our balance once again.

That’s where I’m at.

Spilling it out onto here because I don’t have any close friends to talk to. And a blank page won’t judge you. People will, but that’s also another story.

I’m just having a very hard time accepting the fact that I have to go back to work. That I have to leave my daughter. That I won’t get to spend the afternoons with her anymore. That I’m going to miss most of her milestones. That we can’t go for our morning walks anymore. Or sleep in and cuddle.

And I won’t be able to wake up with her and see her good morning smiles because I’m going to leave to go to work while it’s still dark and she’s still sleeping.

And I won’t be the one to comfort her when she is hungry or tired. I won’t be able to bond with her during the day when we breastfeed.

No more mid-day adventures or mommy group at the park. I won’t get to spend time reading to her or teaching her things.

I’m so afraid she’s going to get used to me not being there that she won’t even be connected to me anymore like she is now.

And the three hours that we will actually have together once I get home from work is not enough, because it will mostly be spent trying to cook dinner, feed her, bathe her and putting her to bed, all the while preparing for the next day.

Not enough time.

But this is only part of my sadness.

There’s so much more.

Like the fact that I haven’t been able to properly connect with my husband in months. One, because there’s not enough time between taking care of the baby and him working at all hours of the day to support us due to the fact that since my maternity leave, we are living off one income.

And two, because since giving birth or rather, since becoming pregnant, I just don’t feel like myself. My body is so different. And while it’s not “bad”, it’s just something I’m not quite used to. Even though I fit into most of my clothes, I don’t feel beautiful enough to wear most of them. So I just stick to the same outfits – leggings, camisole. Easy access for feeding. Forget about feeling pretty anymore. I just don’t have it in me to put forth the effort.

I tried dying my hair just to give myself a different look, and it came out fine the first day because I actually had it done but ever since it’s just been up in a bun.

And today my husband finally said something. He’s been quiet for months but I guess he’s getting tired of what I’ve looked like. He told me to “get out of those clothes and wear something else now! Get cleaned up and stop being so sad!”

How do you just stop?

How do you just feel ok?

I feel like a disappointment. Like I am just letting him down.

Like I am letting myself down and my daughter too.

I just don’t know why I can’t get out of this funk. Why I’m ok for a few weeks and then crash.

And I don’t know why I can’t think of anything kind or encouraging to myself like I normally would to get through. I feel like all of it is a lie.

You’re not a good mother. You’re not a good wife. You’re ugly. You’ll never look good again. You’ve lost yourself. You’re stuck at that job forever. Your daughter is going to grow up without her mother around much.

These thoughts replay in my head over and over again. And I don’t know how to shut them up. And I don’t even know how to turn to God at a time like this when I really should.

This is not the kind of post I wanted to post today but honestly, life is not perfect and happy all the time like everybody wants you to be. Bloggers aren’t always happy and picture perfect.

Be positive, sound uplifting and enthusiastic.

No, that’s bullsh*t.

What if right now I just want to be real and raw and sad. Isn’t that ok? To feel my feelings instead of hide them and pretend? What if I just want to cry and let it out?

I’m sure the few that do read this will now think I’m insane but so what.

I’m sure this post will be bad for business but oh well, wouldn’t you rather buy something from someone who is real and not fake happy?

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just feel all over the place today and wish I could hide but I can’t because my daughter needs me.

And somehow I have to get out of this guilt/sadness cycle.

The reality is I have to go back to work. The end. I have no other choice. The end.

The reality is most of today is going to be spent crying and slowly pulling myself together but that’s ok.

The end.

xx

Mama with Grace

The Fear of Too Much Happiness.

I’m not used to this feeling so often. The feeling of being happy. Lately, even though I still struggle with depression some days, I also am starting to notice that the feeling of happiness is becoming a more common occurrence.

Sometimes I feel like I can be happy but sad at the same time. It’s kind of a weird thing to be but I didn’t really think it was possible until I became a mother.

For example, I woke up on Valentine’s Day to this lovely surprise from my husband. He’s given me flowers before but never like this.

He came in the room and placed them next to us on the bedside table. My daughter was just waking up and when she saw the flowers, her eyes became super wide and she kept smiling as if she knew it was a special day – her mama’s and papa’s anniversary.

And yes, we cosleep. In case you were wondering. (More on that topic another day)

The look on her face was priceless, and I’m so glad my husband caught it on camera as now I get to cherish this memory forever. But then, in a oddly twisted way, I was extremely happy but it also made me feel incredibly sad all at the same time.

Sometimes I stop and for a second I can’t believe this is my life. I can’t believe I get to wake up every day and live my life with these two wonderful beings. They are mine! I get to spend forever with them, or at least until the day I die. (Ugh morbid though…)

My daughter will wake up every morning staring into my eyes and a few second later she will crack open a big smile. Even though I know she cannot talk yet, I feel like I can anticipate what she is trying to say.

Good morning mama. I’m so glad to see you!!! I love you sooooo much!

And I know she does love me. I don’t need to hear it out loud. I can see it in her eyes and in her smile, and in the way she hold my finger tighter when she doesn’t want me to let go.

God, those moments kill me. At night, I usually set her down to bed at around 8:30pm. I will put her in the crib for the first stretch of sleep as even though I should go to bed earlier, I don’t. I stay up until about midnight so I can spend a little time with my husband if he’s home early enough or at least have a little me time if he’s not.

My routine is as follows. We side lie to breastfeed on the bed and then she normally falls asleep after about 15 minutes or so. During that time, I usually just stare at her and cuddle her close, belly to belly, as she drifts peacefully into sleep. Sometimes I stroke her head or back ever so gently as not to wake her up but enough to let her know I’m right there.

Then when I know she’s in a nice deep sleep, I will slowly get up and transfer her into the crib. 80% of the time she wakes up on the first try and then I have pick her back up again and rock her in my arms. 95% of the time she falls back asleep within seconds. I know she just wants to feel close to me and the feeling of being set down in a lonely crib is what woke her up. It breaks my heart every single time I do it.

The act of just leaving her alone in the crib for a few hours is so difficult for me. That is how attached I have become.

I read somewhere that in the first few months of a baby’s life, a baby has no sense of being a separate person from their mother; they ultimately believe that mom and self are one and the same.

Is it the same for mom too? Can I still feel like my baby is attached to me? Not on the inside of my womb but just a part of me somehow?

Because that is what it feels like. I never want to let go, but when I have to, I feel guilty and sad and just want her back again, even if she is driving me crazy.

But isn’t that weird? Feeling so happy but yet so sad at the same time?

Back to my Valentine’s Day Story. I know I get sidetracked a lot. I guess my style of writing is literally writing out my thoughts as I get them.

So my husband brings me these flowers. And mind you, he doesn’t just get them from the grocery store like most men do the morning of Valentine’s Day, but he actually gets them the night before all the way down in the flower distinct of the city (about 40 minutes away) and he hides them from me all night.

I mean, that is really special. Talk about taking the time to really think something out.

And all I could think about besides, how beautiful the flowers are and how happy they are making my daughter, is that I got to marry this guy. He is MY husband. This man.

And I love this man so so much. I am so lucky. I really credit it all to God for bringing us together.

But then as quickly as the happiness feeling came on, that feeling of sadness creeps immediately back in. But I realize, its not really sadness, but fear.

It is the fear of being too happy.

And it’s most likely because there is so much good in my life and I am so content with it all that I am terrified that something bad is going to happen.

Isn’t there that one saying? What goes up, must come down?

But isn’t that just something totally negative to think.

I don’t want to be negative or cynical. I don’t want to be that person that is always believing that just because something good happens in her life, something bad has to happen too in order to balance it out.

That is just a terrible way of living.

But yet, here I am, feeling sad/scared, whatever it is.

I get incredibly happy but yet I started to feel so scared that something is going to take it away from me.

That’s ultimately what is is. Fear of losing something.

I mean lately I find myself staring at my daughter and studying how she looks back at me and I just want to cry. I want to cry because I love her so much. Because I am so afraid of something happening to her. Or I fast forward and become terrified that one day she is not going let me hold her or cuddle her or kiss her anymore. I am so afraid of her growing up and one day choosing that she doesn’t want to be around me like some children act towards their parents. I hope not, but you never know. But the thought of it freaks me out.

And then I keep fast forwarding time in my head and my fear grows stronger. One day, it won’t be the same as it is today. One day, everything will change. All the people I love may not be around one day.

And I become even more scared. Worried that I have to make the most of it all before that time comes, before it’s too late. And it becomes this vicious cycle of sadness-fear-panic.

And I cry all over again.

Because I am so happy and yet so scared at the same time. Because I am desperately trying to hold on to everyday and everyone because I am constantly afraid of losing them.

Is this normal?

I’m not sure. I think it’s normal to some extent but maybe it is also some type of existential crisis or anxiety at the very least.

Well, I’m not sure but maybe the cure is simply just being grateful for everything. Not letting things to go unnoticed and pass by. Not taking advantage.

Knowing that every stage of life is temporary. One minute we are young children, and next we are holding our own young children.

Life is fleeting. It goes so quick that we don’t even realize it until it is too late sometimes.

So maybe it’s good to hold on too tight. To cherish our loved ones every minute of the day. To cast aside our worries about other less important things and focus on what really matters, which is who we spend our time with.

Maybe it’s ok to hold her for a little bit longer. To pick her up more than I should when she’s just waking up. To forget about what I was doing and just stare at her for a little while longer.

And that picture taken above, it will forever be etched in my memory and serve as a reminder of how simple happiness and love can be. And how important it is to live right in the center of it.

xx

Mama with Grace

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Crunchy Mama – Wellness Enthusiast – CBD Advocate  
www.hempworx.com/christinaknight721

Year end reflections..

2018 into 2019.

Another year gone by, I can’t believe it.

But this year I must say was one for the books. So much has happened for me this year that I feel like it wasn’t just one year but a few. God truly blessed me and answered so many of my prayers this year. So unexpectedly too.

I had been praying for marriage for a long, long time. After my first long time relationship (8 years) ended 4 years ago, I was devastated because all that time together resulted in nothing but brokenness. We weren’t meant to be anyway but at the time I thought it would result in marriage and kept my hopes up for many, many years.

But God always has bigger plans. Plans that we don’t know about and cannot foresee.

In 2015, my now husband and I got together after being best friends for so long. I never thought we would end up together, although I guess I deep down hoped that we would since we had so much in common.

And funny to say, this year he asked me to marry him. 10 years after we first met. And we also were blessed with our beautiful daughter!

How lucky could one girl be????

To think that I would be where I am now 10 years ago is simply mind blowing. I would have never thought my life would end up this way and I am so very grateful.

Sure, there are a lot of tough moments but I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

I love my husband so much. I love my daughter so much. I love my life. And I thank God every day for these blessings.

I was looking at my FB memories posts this morning and last year I said that 2018 would be the year of love. I can proudly say that this last year was definitely full of love… and all shades of it!

The love of my husband.

The love that a mother finds for her daughter.

The love of family and friends.

To say that my heart is beyond full and content with how my life turned out to be is an understatement. So what is 2019 going to be about? I honestly don’t know for sure what it will bring but I do know it’s going to be a year of firsts and it’s going to be a year of deep learning. It’s going to be a year of learning to be ok with imperfection because we all eventually learn that perfect does not exist no matter how hard we may try to be and as a new mother I am learning that lesson very, very well. It will be a year of knowing that I am enough. That what I do is enough. That what I have is enough.

And if I can sum up the one thing that I want this year to really be about, I think it would have to be be gratitude. I just want to be present in every moment, especially in this year of firsts for my daughter, for me as a mother, and also for my marriage. There is nothing better and nothing of more importance than being present and gifting your time to your loved ones and really being grateful for all that you have and for all who you have in your life. That is my goal for this year.

Much love to all in the new year!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

#goodbye2018hello2019

Marriage after baby…

I’ve been googling “marriage tips after baby” lately because I feel like we are slowly slipping into the statistic of couples whose marriages decline after having a baby.

And it’s making me incredibly sad because I feel very helpless and still don’t know what to do even after researching.

Most suggestions say, “make time for each other, schedule in date nights/intimacy nights, don’t forget to cuddle, take time to show affection, be helpful and kind towards one another especially when the other is tired/stressed/overwhelmed.”

But none of the suggestions says how to actually make time for each other when you literally have no time for anything besides tending to the baby. Between feeding her every 30 minutes to 3 hours, changing her diapers, entertaining her so she doesn’t feel lonely, and calming her cries, I barely have time to even shower myself or make dinner, let alone tend to my husband.

And it’s not that I don’t want to make time for my husband or for “us” as a couple, I just don’t know when! As guilty as it makes me feel, I would love to have someone watch her for two hours so I can get in some time with my husband or even alone to run a few errands or take a long shower. But at this point, it doesn’t seem reasonable.

We don’t have anyone that can babysit. She is exclusively breastfed and does not take a bottle yet so babysitting would be a difficult option anyway until we can get her used to taking milk from a bottle. I guess we will have to work on that sooner or later anyway because I’ll be going back to work in a few months and she will have to take milk from a bottle.

But anyway, I go back to my point. I’m feeling very sad right now because I desperately miss my husband. And I can feel ya moving farther apart. I feel isolated. I am constantly taking care of her and he is off doing his own thing, whether that be going to work, hanging out with his friends, playing video games, watching basketball, or what not.

He barely acknowledges me. We barely even kiss hello or goodbye or say I love you. Sex? What sex?

He asked me for it the other night, but mind you it was 3 in the morning after he was done playing video games for the night and crawling into bed while I was asleep after having fought with my baby trying to get her to sleep myself; I was exhausted. I had absolutely no energy to pleasure him let alone try to get aroused myself. I could barely keep my own eyes open.

But then I felt an incredible wave of guilt. The one time he wants me, I turn him down. But was I wrong to do so? It was so late at night! Yes, maybe it was the only time we had together because she was finally asleep but I needed to rest too because I knew she would be awake in an hour or two.

But the guilt didn’t stop there. It snowballed into, well if I turn him down then what if he seeks out pleasure in other ways like porn or what if he cheats on me!?

And then I started to think about myself. How terrible I look all the time since I gave birth. I barely shower, brush my teeth or brush my hair. I wear sweatpants and a tank top every day.

But it’s not because I don’t want to look nice. It’s because I don’t have TIME to put in the effort to look nice.

Lately, my daughter does not want to be put down at all! She wants to stay in my arms constantly and if I try to put her down, she cries. I think it’s leap/growth related. She’s almost 8 weeks though, so I feel like that is going to slow down now that most of the major growth spurts are done until 3 months.

But the trick is now trying to get her to sleep in her bed instead of in my arms constantly, otherwise I can’t get anything at all done.

Currently, I am on the couch with her in my arms sleeping. I need to go to the bathroom so very bad but I know as soon as I move and place her in her bed she will wake and we have to start the routine all over again. She’s only been sleeping for 20 minutes so I know that’s not nearly enough time for a nap. But I need to pee! So I guess I have to wake her in order to do that and hope she will go back to sleep quickly.

Ah. My life has completely turned. Not that I am complaining, well I guess technically I am. It is just hard. It is so hard having a child although it is rewarding as well. I love seeing her smile and play and cuddling with her, but how I miss some alone time. I miss my own identity too.

Now I just feel like this is what I am. A mother. And I seem to have a bad association with that – a woman who does nothing except tends to her child. A woman who lets herself go. A woman whom her husband no longer cares for because she is too busy for him.

But I know in reality a mother is much more. I must find positive things about it.

I must find a way to balance my life. I must figure out how to revive my marriage otherwise it surely is going to crumble. I just don’t know what to do. Not sleep so I can find extra time for my husband?

I feel so helpless. I feel like this blog is one big negative space. It is not what I imagined it would be. It is more raw and real, rather than helpful and positive to other mothers.

It is a description of what real #motherhood is. Not the Instagram worthy pictures of happy babies and loving families. The cute outfits. The photos of couples taking their child out to places to explore and showing off. The smiles. The laughs.

No, this is real. The sleepless nights. The crying. The problems we face. The financial worries. The other worries.

I’m sure I’ll look back one day and realize it wasn’t that bad, but right now I do feel like I am in the trenches. That all is falling apart and I am not doing a very good job at any of it. That I am failing as a mother. I am failing as a wife.

But maybe I am not. I am trying my best, I really am. I am trying to keep it all together and raise a healthy, beautiful child, but I guess in the meantime I am losing myself and losing my husband.

Hopefully soon I can figure out how to have all three.

Any tips? Encouragement? I would love to hear.

xx

Mama with grace

Silent night…

Cue: Silent Night

I’m sitting here in our living room. All the lights are off. No TV. No distractions. My little girl is finally asleep after a long day of minimal naps and lots of fussiness. Husband is at work. And I actually have a moment to myself… not saying that in a bad way, mind you.

I just feel at peace right now. Staring at the Christmas tree. Yes, we finally got one even though it is three days until Christmas. We weren’t going to, just because being on maternity leave has drained our finances and we honestly could not afford it. We didn’t even do gifts really. I just bought everyone one tiny present.

My mother, however, knew this was a special Christmas. Baby’s first. And how could you not make it special? How could you now have a tree or presents?

So she went digging in her attic to find her extra tree and surprised us by bringing it over and setting it up for me (since I have minimal opportunity to do pretty much anything easily these days.)

It was the best surprise and kind of memorable in a way. This Christmas may not feel so traditional with all the gifts and gizmos. The crazy holiday shopping. The decorations outside. I didn’t even get to go look at lights like I usually do every year.

But this moment…sitting here, by myself, soaking in this Christmas tree, is everything.

It makes me grateful for all that I have. I feel blessed.

This year, God has been so so good to me. Not that He isn’t any other time, but this year has been extremely memorable.

Starting with our engagement…finding out we are pregnant soon after…then our wedding.. getting a big promotion.. getting a new apartment… having a baby…

Amazing.

And I’m learning that it’s not really having a bunch of stuff that makes you feel true joy, it’s experiencing moments and really soaking them in and feeling grateful for them.

So as I sit here, I pray to our Father, thank you Lord for all you have blessed me with. Thank you for these magical moments. Thank you for your peace, love, and blessings. Thank you for always being faithful and providing for our needs this year, and always. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my husband. Thank you for my magical little girl. Thank you for this beautiful life.

It may be difficult at times and I may feel discouraged more often than not, but it is all worth it and it is all beautiful.

And the most important thing to remember, the most important thing I’ve learned this year… is to really trust God because He is so good and only wants good for us. He will provide. He will never fail. He will always be there.

What a beautiful tree this is. A beautiful reminder of Our Lord.

Such a silent night… a holy night…. this is.

xx

Mama with grace

Why God Gave Us Children…

I don’t think I have postpartum depression, as my out of the blue depressive episodes have pretty much disappeared only to be replaced by on purpose depressive episodes. That is how I know it is not postpartum depression but rather conditional depression that I probably have, because my life is honestly stressful right now.

I know there are a ton of worse situations, and I am not saying I am not grateful for all that I am blessed with. I love my life. I love that I am blessed with a beautiful daughter and that I am married to a man whom I love very, very dearly. I’m just being honest, that life just becomes hard sometimes, despite all the good things we are blessed with. And I think it’s ok to be honest about that. To admit that things can be challenging, otherwise, if I just sat here and pretended that my life was picture perfect or rather should I say, “social media perfect”, then that would be wrong. That would be deceiving and unfair to myself and anyone that reads this.

I want to be honest and real on my blog. I want to show that life can be difficult and motherhood and marriage can be challenging, but we can navigate it by giving ourselves grace, just as God does with us daily.

So I guess I go back to my title…

I believe God gave us children to remind us of that grace. One, because children are so beautiful and innocent and helpless. They rely on us to take care of them because they do not know any better and they are not capable of caring for themselves. All they do is simply love us and wish for our love and care in return. They give us grace daily.

Two, children remind us that its difficult to be perfect at everything. The perfect mother does not exist, just as the perfect child does not either. There are going to be moments when we fall short, when we fail, when they fall short, and when they fail. But again, we must give ourselves grace and give them grace as well.

Three, God gave us children because in the moments when we are feeling low, we can be reminded that they are there for us. My daughter will look into my eyes sometimes and I know she is just saying, “I love you mama.” And sometimes that is all I need to be reminded that everything is worth it. That going on is worth it.

I’m feeling low.

I cleaned out my closet yesterday and it together a giant bag of clothes to donate. Mostly they are a bunch of size large clothes that I wore when I was pregnant that are just too big now that I have lost most of the pregnancy weight, but there are other things in there too.

As I was sorting through which to donate and keep, I kept noticing all of my old clothes , the pre-pregnancy size 0 and XS, I started to feel sad. I only gained 31lbs total during my pregnancy (I was 102lbs pre-pregnancy), and I’ve lost a little more than half of it already. I’m currently 113lbs, which is still heavier than I’ve ever been (not pregnant). I’m not complaining about my body, but I did feel a bit sad that I probably won’t be able to fit in most of my clothes anymore at least most of my bottoms.

Also, most of the clothes I did donate were clothes that were now deemed inappropriate for a mother. I can’t wear crop tops or super low cut shirts anymore. There’s no point anyway. I’ve got my husband. I don’t need to impress anyone anymore. And who wants to see a jiggly post-pregnancy body anyway?

I don’t really know what I’m sad about because I don’t really want to wear those things anymore anyway, but I guess I just feel kind of old now that I’m a mom.

I barely do my hair, let alone even blow dry out of the shower. I never wear make up anymore. I don’t even pluck my eyebrows. Shaving is literally an afterthought. I used to freak out if I didn’t have smooth legs, now I just don’t care. I used to care about what I wore, now the norm is leggings and a T-shirt.

I told myself I would never be one of those women that let themselves go after a baby, and here I am… letting myself go.

But what do we do… we keep going.

Maybe it’ll pass. Maybe it’s because I have a 6 week old infant and its because I don’t have time to worry about what I look like right now.

Why else am I sad?

I’m sad because my marriage feels like it’s cracking. And I say cracking because it’s the beginning stages of breaking. Maybe we can save it before it’s at that point but right now I’m just so sad because it seems like all he does is be in his own world… watching basketball, football, whatever sport is on. Just something to keep busy and not pay attention to us.

He used to help in the beginning, changing diapers, rocking her. I thought I was lucky. I had the husband who wanted to be an active father, but not sure what happened. After she started becoming cranky two weeks ago, he backed off. Didn’t want to deal with a crying baby, only a good baby.

Now, it’s pretty much on me. Oh honey can you help me watch her for two minutes while I use the bathroom? Come back and she’s in her bouncer and he’s glued to the PlayStation about to cry.

Oh honey can you hold her while I rest a bit? He takes her for five minutes… I think she’s hungry now. I say, she can’t be hungry, she just finished eating. Well here. Take her. She’s whining.

I feel like I don’t get a break anymore. No one helps. My family comes over just to say hi to her but not to offer me any help or rest.

Everybody forgets about the mother’s don’t they? Once the baby is born, nobody cares how the mother is. She can do it all. She doesn’t need rest or food or a bathroom break.

I love my daughter so much and that is probably the only reason why I can keep going. Her smiles keep me going. Her grace she gives me keeps me going. This is why God gave us children.

xx

Mama with grace